Quarrels on health

It is not without reason that people's wisdom is "who likes this one likes". What can you do and what to look for during an argument to adequately portray our point of view and avoid nailing the coffin of our relationship?

Contradictions are a healthy symptom of the relationship once in a while. Thanks to them, we clean the atmosphere and improve the relationship. It is not without reason that people's wisdom is "who likes this one likes". In a partner relationship, conflicts are resolved by means of factual conversation, however, it happens that emotions take over and the power of argument goes into the background, and the "call of blood" begins to play the dominant role.

So what can you do and what to look for during a quarrel to properly portray our point of view and avoid nailing the coffin of our relationship?

Evaluate the behavior, not the person

Try to avoid hurtful evaluations and generalizations like "You're hopeless"; "You can never count on you"; "You always have to collapse everything." Such statements are a far-reaching generalization, they hurt the other person, and at the same time they arouse protest, desire to defend and create a spiral of aggression.

Instead, think about the specific behavior of the partner that caused you negative emotions, and then tell him about it, avoiding offensive epithets, for example: "It annoys me that after coming after work, you spread all things without respecting my work"; or "I'm sorry that you were late for dinner today with my friends because it was an important event for me." By providing such a message to the partner, we present him clearly the situation for which we have a grudge. At the same time, we do not insult him, do not generalize and do not reduce the feeling of someone's value at the expense of his own satisfaction, so we treat the other person as a partner who after listening to our factual arguments will have more motivation to think about their behavior and change than in the case of emotional bomb nuclear.

Expression of emotions

A matter-of-fact conversation and a constructive solution to the conflict does not have to be emotionless. Emotions are an inseparable part of our lives, and often we do not have enough skills to control them.

You have the right to express your anger in the form of a raised voice or even plates on the wall. However, it is important in this situation that you do not insult your partner when you are emotionally excited. When the emotions drop, it turns out that the dinner service can be bought back, but the pin stuck in the heart will stay there for a long time, which may affect your further relations.

It is sometimes worth first thinking about what we have to regret, talk to a trusted person who can objectively assess the whole situation. In this way, we partially unload our tension, and additionally we get feedback or not to overdo our own claims against our partner.

Give me time

If the emotions took over and things went too far, give yourself and your partner time to get the adrenaline level down. Stopping the argument by slamming the door and going for a walk, contrary to appearances, is not a bad solution. Venting the mind, cooling down and taking a few deep breaths allows you to take a distance and calmly approach the problem. A sincere conversation without negative emotions is the best solution, resigning from explaining the causes of the conflict is a mistake and reciprocal resentments will come back with redoubled power. When the other person does not want to talk about a sensitive subject or we have a problem with expressing one's emotions, we can try to initiate a conversation by writing a letter. Sometimes it may be helpful to have a mediator who both trust and who can objectively assess the disputable situation.

Listen to your partner

Remember that the relationship is based on partnership. The second person has the right to present his arguments and his point of view. Each of us perceives reality in a different way, has a different "map of the world". This does not mean, however, that this point of view is less important or worse. Thanks to such confrontations, we can get to know our other half, its way of thinking and feeling.

Hear and try not to interrupt, act as if you wanted to be treated yourself. Even if you do not agree with the partner's opinion, or what he says is unpleasant or untrue, let him finish. You will have time to rectify and retort. Respect for the other person and what he has to say and what opinion he has on the topic is important.

Listening to the other party can shed new light on your conflict. Remember that everyone has the right to express their own opinion.

Do not refer to the past

We often say, "There is nothing to cry over spilled milk" or "What happened, it will not go away". Unfortunately, we rarely use it in relation to quarrels. Then we activate the questionable ability to calculate all the sins that the partner once committed, and we, as the best archive, open new files.

Appealing to the past and trying to prove "something" to a partner does not lead to anything good and can be a pernicious practice. The fact that the situation repeats itself again may mean, among other things, that conflicts are dealt with in a non-constructive manner or we do not formulate clearly our expectations towards the partner.

It is worth focusing on the present, what is here and now, what needs to be improved in your relationships, what does not work as it should, but also what is good in your relationship, not to focus only on the negatives, but also to notice these bright sides.

Formulate clear expectations

Our mistake is that we cannot speak clearly, openly and clearly about our expectations towards our partner. Then frustrations germinate in us, which grow in strength, and as a result they explode with multiple strength.

Every time we resolve a conflict, let's talk not only about what happened, how we feel about it, but also let us formulate a clear message about our expectations about the partner and the situation. We often hope or even expect that the partner will guess everything. Unfortunately, as long as we do not start to clearly present our expectations, we cannot count on the partner to know why we are in bad mood today. Only in this way can one avoid the next short circuit, unnecessary nerves and growing anger.

Do not blackmail

Under the influence of emotions, we do not realize the importance of words that escape our mouths. Often words can be very hurtful, and when the atmosphere is cool we are left with a moral hangover and it is hard to explain to the partner what was then meant, or that it does not feel that way. Avoid unfavorable assessments and words, it is better to sometimes let go and bite the tongue than to try to repair what has been destroyed.

Avoiding an argument is hard, a relationship without arguments is not a full relationship, because through how we resolve conflicts we can meet the other person. However, let's remember that even in the biggest emotions, be guided by respect for the other person, value her point of view and want to find a common solution to the problem.